ZOMBIE READING OF THE WILL SKETCH

ZOMBIE READING OF THE WILL SKETCH

INTERIOR - LAWYER'S OFFICE

LAWYER: Well now we come to the zombie's share of the proceeds… (reading will) To zombie, I hereby bequeath, 40% of all my cash holdings… approximately 1.1 billion dollars.

ZOMBIE: Brains!

LAWYER: ahem… (reading) the east coast hotels…. three in florida… two in new york… the casino in Atlantic City…

ZOMBIE: Brains!

LAWYER: Oh, and a bed and breakfast in Cape Cod. I've actually stayed there. It's lovely.

ZOMBIE: Brains!

LAWYER: Right, well… (reading, now with less enthusiasm) There's a coal mine in Virginia. It generates about 6 million dollars annually, but I don't… uhm…

ZOMBIE: Brains!

LAWYER: No, all that's left here for you is 70 classic cars in a hangar in Utica, and the Monet.

ZOMBIE: BRAINS!!!

LAWYER: I'm sorry, sir, that's all there is.

ZOMBIE: [INSISTENT, BANGS LAWYER'S PAPERS] Brians!

LAWYER: What?

ZOMBIE: Brains.

LAWYER: Did you say "Brians"?

ZOMBIE: Brains!

LAWYER: I distinctly heard you say "Brians."

FLAMBOYANTLY GAY COUSIN: (delighted) Oh my god, he's gay!

ZOMBIE LOOKS AROUND SHEEPISHLY.

CUT TO:

GAY BAR

ZOMBIE is sitting stiffly at bar.

BRUCE: Hi my name's Bruce

ZOMBIE: Brians!

BRUCE EXITS. ENTER MICHAEL.

MICHAEL: Hi, I'm Michael. Can I buy you a drink?

ZOMBIE: Brians!

BRIAN, HEARING HIS NAME, TURNS, THEIR EYES MEET. CAMERA SWIRLS AROUND THEM.

ROMANTIC MONTAGE - BRIAN AND ZOMBIE SLOW DANCING… RUNNING ON THE BEACH… TAKING A SHOWER, PIECE OF ZOMBIE FALLS OFF, BRIAN GOOFS AROUND WITH IT, TRIES TO PUT IT BACK, THEY LAUGH, …PLAYING MONOPOLY ...

BACK TO THEM IN BAR, NOW SITTING TOGETHER AT A TABLE.

LAWYER ENTERS.

LAWYER: I'm not gay or anything, but I was told you frequent this establishment and I wanted to offer you a deal. You just sign this document transferring all your holdings to me, and you can have my son's brains! [PRESENTS CONTRACT]

He has a 120 IQ… If that… makes any difference…

SON IS A SLACKER TYPE, SEEMS ANNOYED.

SON: Man I hope no one saw me come in here.

ZOMBIE GETS WIDE-EYED. HE LOOKS FROM BRIAN TO CONTRACT, TRYING TO CHOOSE.

LAWYER OFFERS A PEN AND ZOMBIE TAKES IT.

BRIAN: ZOMBIE, no! Can't you see what he's doing?

LAWYER: Why don't you mind your own business? (TO ZOMBIE) Don't listen to him. He only wants you to keep the money so he can get it for himself!

ZOMBIE LOOKS TO BRIAN, WHO LOOKS GUILTY.

BRIAN: (UNCONVINCINGLY) That's… ridiculous!

FLAMBOYANTLY GAY COUSIN: (FROM THE BAR, DELIGHTED) It's Washington Irving meets Washington Square!

ZOMBIE STARTS TO SIGN CONTRACT.

BRIAN: Wait!! Just think about it for a second. As a billionaire, you can get all the brains you want. You can buy coma victims or… or… homeless people!

ZOMBIE STOPS AND THINKS.

CUT TO:

POOLSIDE OUTSIDE A MANSION

ZOMBIE AND BRIAN ARE LYING IN DECK CHAIRS. BRIAN IS GETTING A PEDICURE.

ENTER BUTLER CARRYING TRAY OF BRAINS.

BUTLER: More brains, sir?

ZOMBIE: God, no!

MORAL: Money changes everything.

The preceeding inspired by our friend Jason Fever's Zombie Job Interview sketch. Check it out.

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